Trust is never taken, it is always earned. It’s one of the few universal truths. It will always be this way, and because we are unable to take or steal trust, it makes it even harder to regain. There are no shortcuts when rebuilding relationships.
The highest form of human motivation is trust. It brings out the very best in people, but it takes time and patience. It calls for the necessity to train and develop addicts so that their competence can rise to the level of trust. This involves an entirely new shift of paradigm. A different way we see and perceive the world. Alcoholics and drug addicts lose money, they lose weight, they lose jobs, they lose freedom i.e they mess up. At the end of the road, almost every drug addict will lose trust. Losing trust is possibly the most painful loss of all.
Addiction is a family disease. We have been untrustworthy for so long that most of our friends and families will doubt our recovery. They think it won’t last. We have to replace our habits with new ways of living. We have to become willing to change. It’s agonising, knowing that your family hides their valuables before you come over, or hearing the tone in your mother’s voice when you tell her you will do something for her and she just doesn’t believe you. It fills you with guilt and shame.
Learning how to rebuild trust starts in drug rehab and continues after you leave. It takes a lot of work on your part and your loved ones’ part. Even though you might be changing positively, your loved ones might be wary. Certain behaviours remind them of the broken promises of change. Keeping certain things in mind helps you maneuver your way back into the circle of trust. Trust is earned. It needs fixing behaviour from the inside out.
An enormous part of your loved ones’ recovery process and progress is built around them starting to pull them-
selves up by their own boot straps. Making decisions, weighing options, thinking through possibilities and starting to re-build their life on their terms, their way all starts with repaving the road of trust.
Stop the bad habit …..
When we fully concede to our utmost selves that we are powerless over our addiction, we have taken a big step
to recover. The first step in our recovery and in building trust is to stop drinking and using .. for today. There is only one obstacle to building trust i.e. not staying clean. Every clean day is a successful day. No matter what happens.
Be proactive …..
We are responsible for our lives. Our behaviour is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We need to take the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen by being change agents. We are responsible i.e. meaning the ability to choose our response. In recovery, you cannot afford to be REACTIVE. Being reactive means you will be affected by feelings, by circumstances, by conditions and by your environment and what others do or don’t do. Stop building your life around the behaviour of others. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can hurt you without your consent’. It is not what happens to us but our response to what happens to us that hurts us. Act wisely instead of waiting to be acted upon. Be a solution to problems instead of being a problem. No excuses.
Focus on yourself …..
During your first year in recovery, you can expect people to be skeptical of everything you do. Our natural inclination is to beg for forgiveness. Empty promises like “I’ll do anything,” or “I swear it will never happen again,” just don’t mean anything. People lose trust because of behaviour. You lose trust because of something you did. In order to fix your behaviour, it must happen from the inside out. There is no other way to do it.
The first step is to turn your focus inward. Look inward. The lies and the deceit that came from our addiction is always rooted within, so that is where you must begin. Healing will come with time if you start with the man in the mirror. It is you who needs to and is expected to change. The key to the ability to change is an established sense of who you are now, what you are about and what are your values. When you are healing a broken relationship, you have to start with yourself. So start with the important aspects. Be on time for work, get a steady schedule of meetings or therapy or exercise, show up to places when you say you will. Build a healthy lifestyle and stick to it.
Avoid victim mentality ……
It is not worth it to have a victim mentality. There is a very real possibility that you may have had some terrible things happen to you. You may have grown up in a dysfunctional family. Maybe you dealt with death, or sexual assault. Maybe your Dad left you when you were a kid. Life is hard – that’s just the reality.
Living with a victim mentally will keep people away from you. People are drawn to strong people who don’t give excuses. As long as you are blaming a circumstance as the reason for why you behaved the way you did, people will never trust you. Lose the “woe is me” mentality and take control of your life. No matter what the circumstance, you have something to be grateful for.
If you have a situation you need to grieve over, then that’s okay. Everyone gets down, but taking the step to deal with a situation is taking control. Therapy or meetings are a proactive approach. Do not sit and isolate and sulk. You are not a victim, so don’t act like one. Trustworthy people are not victims, they are survivors.
Build a routine and stick to it ……
Addiction makes us undisciplined. Being undisciplined makes us unpredictable and hence unreliable. People don’t trust unpredictability, nor should they. We are not born reliable, we learn to be reliable. Being reliable is a learned habit, not a single act.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” Said Aristotle.
Seek to understand, then to be understood ……
Listen with the intent to understand. Work at it until you express the other person’s point of view. Identify issues that need to be resolved without confrontation.
Keep open communication ……
Low trust situations are characterised by defensiveness, protectiveness and often legalistic language. They create further reasons to defend and protect oneself. Keeping the lines of communication open is helpful for your loved one to begin feeling trust. Staying transparent about your feelings, thoughts and behaviours gives your loved one the message that you are open and receptive. Remember that open communication is a two-way street. Encouraging your loved one to share feelings and thoughts lets him or her know that you genuinely care and helps clear the way to having trust restored.
Just do the right thing …….
Do the thing that needs to be done. Don’t steal. Don’t lie. Don’t take your anger out on other people. Pick up a piece of trash on the sidewalk. Hold the door for people, tip your waitress and don’t be arrogant. Ask if you don’t know what the right thing to do is.
Everyone makes mistakes. There is no such thing as angels and people are fallible, so if you make a mistake that’s okay. But if you are trying, if you are really trying to be a better person, then it will pay off. Most of all, you will feel good about yourself. People who respect themselves also respect others.
Don’t ask for praise or expect a reward ……
Now, there is nothing wrong with being recognised for doing well. But if you are trying to gain someone’s trust back, there is no room for you to expect a award for doing what you need to do. Addiction can make people do awful things. That’s life, and we hopefully grow from those experiences. But instead of using our disease as an excuse, we have to own up to our actions.
If you do the right thing, then the feeling of being a good person should be the reward within itself. If you are doing something with the intentions of “appearing” to be trustworthy, then you are just being manipulative.
Trust has to be earned. If you stay consistent and humble, then you can regain the trust that you’ve lost. You must lose the idea that you are now deserving of trust or deserving of praise. Remember, you are “earning” someone’s trust back. It’s up to them if and when they want to give it to you. No matter what, keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Be Impeccable With Your Word ……
It is really hard to build discipline and a routine to take control of your life and start to gaining
some trust. Now you have to protect what you have worked so hard for.
It is important not to over commit. Sometimes we get in the habit of trying to please everyone. There is nothing wrong with sayingno. If you can’t committo something, then say no. Saying no is better than saying yes and letting someone down. If you say you will do something then do it. If you can’t do something, then don’t say that you can. It’s hard to admit when you’ve said or done something wrong or hurtful. But acknowledging the truth of what you said or did shows that you are growing as a person.Your loved one sees that you are taking the steps to becoming a better version on you and helps restore their trust.
Be Consistent …….
Sometimes, even after we have tried as hard as we can, people still don’t feel comfortable giving us their trust back.Can you blame them? Sometimes years of lies, drug use, drunken bar fights and arrests can really hurt another person. It is not up to us when someone decides to trust us. It is usually a slow process, and you have to be consistent.
Everything worth having in life is usually hard to get. The harder you work to earn someone’s trust back, the more valuable that relationship will be. How bad do you want it?
Create your limits …….
This is achieved by learning to apply principles and using wisdom in creating your own limits to maximise their effectiveness. Be active in all areas of your life i.e. physically, socially mentally and spiritually. Walk your talk. Channel your energy and time toward contributing more than consuming, toward giving more than getting. Clarify expectations. Stop competing, comparing, complaining or criticising.
Be honest ……
When you were in active addiction, there was no lie you wouldn’t say to get what you wanted. That took a toll on your loved ones and now it’s going to take a lot of truth for them to accept what you say as truth. As long as you continue to be 100 percent honest, even when it’s difficult, your path toward trust will be repaved.
Be patient …….
Recognise that rebuilding trust takes time. Addictive behaviours may have occurred over a span of many years, so it’s not realistic to think that you’ll be able to regain trust immediately. Your friends and family members have their own feelings to work through, so give them time and space for that. It’s normal to want to make things better right away in order to avoid discomfort or pain, but it’s important to allow the necessary time for healing.
None of this is a guarantee. If your actions have made it so, you will never be able to gain trust back, well you will just have to live with that.None of this is a guarantee. If your actions have made it so, you will never be able to gain trust back, well you will just have to live with that.
It does happen. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, how honest and reliable we become, some people will just never forgive us. That’s okay.
Truth is, if you know in your heart that you have done everything you could do, then you have nothing to worry about. In fact, you have come out on top. All of this work you put in was not for nothing. Now every relationship you make from this point forward will be built on a sober, honest and trustworthy foundation.