It was fun, then sad then became bad.” That is the best phrase I ever heard summarising addiction. One does not get addicted to something unless it offers a good feeling or a positive outcome. The journey progresses quickly or slowly to bad where someone is still getting some pleasure but the negative effects are starting to outweigh the good feeling and then the sad bit where someone is in a dilemma, trying to quit and failing. Someone has boxed himself into a corner and only a spiritual experience can set him/her free.

The first time I heard that, it felt like I was doomed! I linked spirituality with superstition, angels and demons and I was more convinced about the demons emerging triumphant. I was baptized and confirmed as a Christian when I was too young to comprehend it all, I had religion but no relationship with God. So when my addiction brought me to my knees, consumed by fear, I had nowhere to turn. In the bars and ghettos the “god” topic had been discussed and philosophies, faiths and movements analyzed. Hours were spent dissecting the Bible and pointing out the loopholes; with all this calamity surely there could be no God or God wasn’t good all the time.
Whatever your “poison”, it reaches a point where the tables turn and it moves from serving you to mastering you. Like a moth drawn to a fire, you are in a dilemma. The bad things you don’t want to do, you practice! Without help it is too much. Addiction is a disease of the body, mind and spirit. It is only humans who get addicted, and addiction surpasses one’s survival instinct.
The biggest enemy for those dealing with addicts is denial and rationalisation. Whereas the people around him/her see a problem, the addict sees a solution. When faced with the real possibility of quitting, the addict remembers all the good times and compares them with the “boredom” of ordinary living, the disease puts up a resistance. Addiction is a disease (behavioural disorder) characterised by compulsion and obsession. It’s a disease of always wanting more.
A desire to quit may be sparked by; a moment of clarity, a look in the mirror whereby one is faced with the reflection of shame, guilty, fear, love etc. This motivation wanes and if one can’t deal with life on life’s terms, one succumbs to his fix. He goes through the well-known stages of a spree, at one point emerging remorseful with a firm determination to quit and then sliding back to the habit. This cycle can go on for a very long time and one does not suffer in isolation, all those with an emotional attachment to the individual including family and friends share the pain. Addiction is a family disease.
It is not all gloom and doom as there is victory over addiction. Humanity has achieved this,there are millions of testimonies. The big question I suppose is what makes one successful and another fail? There are various pathways to recovery with varying degrees of success for a wide spectrum of individuals. These are the ones I have come across in Uganda; religion whereby people are prayed for and the power of God transforms them, 12 step support groups (Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous), counseling plus rehabilitation and herbalists (these offer what in the western world is called antabuse) or a mixture of programmes.
I was at the crossroads
I discovered a pattern I would like to use my story to highlight. I arrived at a point after battling with alcohol and drugs where I had to choose between going on to the bitter end (prison, mental hospitals or death ) or choose a new way of life. This choice seems clear now but at that point my mind was warped, I suspected I was down and out, and all my bravado was just gone. I had thrown the kitchen sink at the problem with no positive outcome. I now realise that the problem lay in me trying to control the disease and not to quit.
Fun and drugs were the same to me, leaving one meant losing the other. The choice to me it seemed was to either sign out in a state of inebriation or stick out the boredom till the end. Motivated by the birth of my daughter, I decided to grudgingly accept the help I was offered. I had been lectured and preached to before, God was not a solution for me and yet therein lay my answer. I started the journey with a head full of philosophy and resentment, determined to find
my own path outside the Spiritual realm, logic marshaled by my will would see me through, god dammit! It was pointed out by people on a similar path that they had tried this out with no success.
“Why don’t you choose a God of your own understanding?” They suggested. The whole point was to quit playing God and realise that there is a Power greater than me that could restore me to ‘sanity’. This concept made it possible to effect and make a connection. Once I made that contact, I had to have an honest look at what was blocking my relationship with God and get rid of it. Sharing with someone allows me not to lie to myself and also instills a sense of accountability in me. Having this new Power, understanding and revelation flowing through me, I made peace with
myself and the world.
Woe unto me not to pass on this good news as I talk to someone who’s contemplating quitting. I assure them that this Power that transformed me is the same Power that is in them, I believe deep down in every man is the fundamental idea of God and our number one goal should be to access Him. The fruits that are accessible to him or her on day one are; peace, love and joy. This spiritual axis is available to all who seek God regardless of age, gender, tribe, race, faith and class. I believe in their potential to change but most importantly they should believe.
Though I started out unbelieving, circumstances made me a believer. My relationship with God keeps evolving and keeps bringing more joy than I thought possible, its indeed an amazing Grace.