Chemical dependency not only affects one individual but also everyone in the individual’s family. For every case, there are multiple victims. Apart from the chemically dependent person, the prime victims are his wife, parents, and children.
Each family is unique. Yet all of them have certain common traits and characteristics. All families tend to react in rigid and predictable ways when one member of the family becomes the victim of chemical dependency.
The family members react to the chemically dependent person’s behaviour thus influencing normal family functioning. Members of any family operate in a system, where they strive for interdependence, working together for survival and enjoyment. When there is stress, the whole family readjusts and realigns itself in order to bring about balance and stability.
The family of a chemically dependent person becomes dependent, counterdependent, codependent and confused. They are victims of the disease of addiction but they may or may not use chemicals, but are nevertheless victimised by the disease. They are victims struggling desperately to solve the problem of the chemically dependent behaviours that destroy the honour of the family.
While the chemically dependent partner numbs his feelings with a drug, the non-abuser reacts by enabling, fixing every crisis or retreating and also masking feelings.
The family members of the chemically dependent person suffer in the background of the sick person. They are rarely treated as individuals who need help, yet they need to be treated as well. They too need long term recovery for their own problems and pain. To neglect them in the treatment of the disease ignores that the addiction disease is a family disease and every member of the family needs proper help, support and understanding. The disease of chemical dependence is a family disease called Codependence. Each individual in the family reacts to the abnormal behaviour of the chemically dependent person.
Since chemical dependency means being physically and psychologically dependent on alcohol and/or other drugs, family members become dependent on reacting to the person with this disease. Individuals in these families are people who keep on reacting. They react to the problems, pains and behaviour of others. They react with their own problems and pains. They need to be guided to act
rather than react. They need a great deal of help to learn to change patterns of behaviour.
The family disease of Codependence can thus be defined as: Intergenerational patterns of living and problem solving that are formed within a family or tribal system where there is or has been various dysfunctional patterns that include a chemical (Alcohol, Marijuana , Opiates, Heroin, Cocaine) abuse or dependence. The system then supports continuing unhealthy interpersonal relationships, secrecy, shame, physical and sexual abuse and a distortion of reality (from Webb/Fabean Assessment Guide).
As the problems mount up, codependent family members can become isolated, depressed, and suffer from emotional/physical illnesses and suicidal attempts. Like other repetitive behaviours, their patterns of behaviors are difficult to break. They behave the way they are conditioned, without thinking, and their dysfunctional patterns take on a life of their own.
EMOTIONAL RESPONSES
When a chemically dependent person gets into trouble and develops problems due to the abuse of chemicals, his/her family is deeply concerned and gets upset.
1: GUILT
The emotional response of addictive illness in a family member frequently has its roots in guilt feelings. Our culture often implies that if a person drinks too much or takes addictive drugs, someone else is to be blamed. Normally, the outside world blames the wife or parents.
“Moses’ wife is from the rich family. She is arrogant and always tries to boss over him. She does not care for him at all. No wonder Moses drinks a lot.” “I have never seen parents like these. They are very indulgent. They never cared for their son. They put him in the hostel. Poor boy! That’s why he is on drugs.” Society’s attitude and outlook automatically lead to self-blame. “Am I responsible for his drinking?” “Am I inadequate?” “Does he deserve a better wife?”. Such self blame produces more guilt and shame. Guilt of this proportion cannot be sustained or tolerated.
Therefore, in the course of the time, each starts blaming the other, and this illusion prevents both partners from developing self-awareness, which might lead to a positive change. Each person is trapped in his or her own net i.e the chemically dependent person in dependency or the spouse in the equally familiar and repetitive patterns of behaviour and attitude.
2: GRIEF
Grief is another emotional response of the family to the addiction disease. The family loses the pleasures
of life. It’s not a total loss that can be confirmed by death and mourning and, then healing. An extended period of loss and anxiety results with no visible end. Physical and emotional pain lingers.
For family members, grief is the result of all sorts of losses- loss of prestige, loss of family and personal dignity, loss of feelings of love, loss of care and understanding, loss of security, loss of
friends, loss of finances- loss in each and every area of their life. Yet, these loses are not shared with anyone and the diseased family remains untreated.
Just like any bereaved person, they need someone to listen to their grief; someone to understand that they are also victims of the disease; someone to help them to shift their feelings from the dependent person towards their own self. This is the only way that can help them overcome grief.
3: ANGER
When they are not even heard, they experience anger and deep sadness. Initially, this anger is focused towards
the chemically dependent person and his inappropriate behaviour.
“Everyone is laughing at us. We are not able to go out at all-it is all because of you. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? I wish you were dead!”
As the disease worsens, the wife or parents are unable to manage the enormous problems anymore. They do not know what to do. Their utter helplessness makes them get angrier. Now their anger does not have any focus at all. They get angry with themselves, with their significant other, even when that person is not drinking, with their children, friends, society- in short, their anger is directed toward the entire world.
Even though the family members are extremely angry, they never let off steam. Hostility lurks just below the surface, waiting for an opportunity to come out in the open. Anger sometimes explodes, but the family member is not able to achieve anything positive.
The suffering dependent gets angry and shouts throughout the night. The wife starts shouting at him the next morning. In either case, the other person does not listen at all. As both of them shout at each other in turn, their anger seems to get ‘evened out.’
Problems do not get resolved. Anger therefore does not subside. It continues to bubble and is displaced. They shout at their children. Suppression of anger leads to physical problems like migraine headaches, digestive disorders, etc.
With the family members, anger is often the result of a mental conflict. Family members take care of the dependent person, but hate the painful experiences that they are forced to undergo. They become ‘caretakers’ with the sole purpose of
keeping up appearances and saving face. This caretaking attitude is not connected with any feeling of deep love at all. The painful experiences lead to anger towards the suffering person. It’s not easy to separate the disease of addiction from the person. The wife feeds the alcoholic when he comes home totally drunk or puts him to bed. (caretaking). More often, the same wife feels that he should die so that her life can be peaceful (hate).
4: HURT
If anger is suppressed within a person, it automatically results in frustrations, resentment and hurt feelings.
Emotional pain can be very destructive and deep. As the harmful dependency progresses, his inappropriate behaviour can be hidden no more. At every point, the family members feel humiliated. They are ashamed of the person, of his shameful behaviour, and they cannot do anything about it. It hurts to become involved in unnecessary arguments or
witness angry exchanges. Normally the dependent person blames the spouse, parent or child for his shortcomings.
“I am not staying here for your sake. I am tolerating all these things only because I realise I have a duty towards my family and my children. If I had been as irresponsible as you, I would have left you long ago.”
Even though she shouts, she is deeply hurt. This sort of deep emotional hurt adds to her feelings of guilt and shame. At times, she makes efforts to change her attitude and starts showing care and warmth. Even though she finds out that none of her efforts leads to anything positive. The chemically dependent person continues with his abuse and all the problems remain the same as before.
5: SHAME
Most of the painful experiences resulting from chemical dependency bring shame to family members. The inappropriate behaviour of the addict in front of relatives and friends makes the family terribly embarrassed. As the situation in the family becomes worse, shame multiplies and the person starts feeling ashamed of the entire family ashamed of the dependent and ashamed of all the other family members. Shame produces low self-worth in each and every member of the family.
For example, the mother of an addict refrains from attending any social functions because she fears that people will ask about her son and his addiction. That very thought leads to shame and hatred.
6: FEAR
Living in a problematic, distressed family produces fear- fear of the future, fear of family life, fear of financial matters, fear of relationships, fear of arguments, fear about the dependent’s
physical well-being, fear about his drunkenness, and a persistent fear that something is not right.
“What will happen to the family if things get worse?”
In fact, she is deeply afraid of everything. Even minor events cause her anxiety. For instance, if her child comes home five minutes late from school, she explodes. So, the child feels guilty for doing something wrong but doesn’t know what he has done. Every family member experiences pain and stress.